A Form of Control

You know this year alone I disclosed a significant form of control that I despise so greatly. Its called guilt tripping.

A loved one of mine used this form of control many times this year and caused me much distress. This person would ask something of me or ask me not to do something, but at the most inconvenient time. And I often found myself stuck between pleasing them and myself. The individual would complain about how no one loves them or cares enough and that they do so much for others and no one does for them. I always felt I needed to take on the responsibility of making them happy. All the time. You know why? Because I loved them too much to hurt them.

But recently I muscled up the courage to step my foot down and say “No”. I’m tired of feeling caged in by their remakrs about my life and what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I understand they care, but honestly I feel like they have been using my compassion and sincerity for granted. It’s not fair.

They might disagree with me, and argue about the points I’m making, but this is my thinking. Period.

Ciao.

Diary of a Prude

I really hate how for the most part society makes a negative connotation for the word prude-short for prudent. In urban terms, the word means to be easily shocked by sexual content, references and/or to be very uncomfortable around the opposite sex.

“So like damn. This chick is so fine, but she such a prude. She wouldn’t kiss me. There’s so much sexual tension”

“OMG. He made me feel so uncomfortable thee way he touches and talks to me, so I left.”

To be frank.A girl or guy may prefer not to act out their sexual desires or feels uncomfortable, and it should not be a bad thing. Every individual has their own comfort level, experience or lack thereof. It’s unfair to judge someone based on their tendencies for abstinent behavior. They’re not naive. And don’t try and pressure them or force them out their comfort zone-one they have many years to escape out of. Patience, people!

Relationship Status: Hidden

I hate relationships.

I hate that I can’t share secrets from the depth of my soul.

I despise the fact that I can’t muster up the guts to cast down barriers:

I fear.

I fear the reactions of my loved ones.

I fear they might feel obliged to reciprocation.

I fear that I might smother them.

But I want them to love me for me-

And

My feelings,

Well those I toss aside.

My feelings cloud the reality of my relationships.

My feelings fluctuate parallel to my beating heart-

fast-paced, non rhythmic.

They might just

Entangle me.

Image

I love. I love people, places. I don’t love things. I’m in love with ideas, especially the idea that love exists. It exists in numerous forms. And when it comes to meeting new people, we think nothing of a future relationship with them. But someway along the way- though very faint at first-there’s a strong connection. One you can’t dispel. It grows and grows and grows. Then link fails to escape your view. All you see is the LINK. And that’s when your feelings entangle you.

 

To all terrorized by feelings: Carpe Diem.

CIAO, now.

Ever met a person who always seems energetic and can never miss the opportunity to brighten up your day with just merely their existence? They can brighten up a whole room with their quirky tendencies and sense of humor.

This is what people describe Her as. But behind her “safe” curtains she is lonely, unhappy, depressed and dissatisfied with life. It’s dark behind these curtains. And when the curtains are drawn for all to see, she dissipates.

Don’t get her wrong. She loves being around people.  She is energized by the existence of people. She illuminates around them. But she try too much to be like these people. She seeks approval and desires to fit in. She dances to their songs, listens to their music, wear what they wear and does what they expect of her. She is a slave to their fads. She is their puppet. Since she was a child, she never appreciated what she possessed. She wanted what others had. And because she is plagued with mentality of a passive aggressive, many don’t get to know her worth.  Subtly, they push her around and disregard her existence because of her eccentricity.

Her comfort zone is where she fails to stand out as an individual. It’s where she deems herself like everyone else. It’s where her feigned identity lies. It’s where she is safe from judgement and ridicule. Its often where she holds back tears. She doesn’t want to wash away the demarcation that dissociates Her from Herself.

 

If we are to step outside our comfort zones in order to experience life fully, then we are being ourselves. We, then are no longer afraid of ridicule. We embrace it. Uneasiness becomes our comfort because we acknowledge that  what challenges us prepares us for greater. We have to remind ourselves daily, that we have only one life to live. Your identity is found after you rip yourselves from the strings of society. YOU are not a PUPPET.

CIAO, now.

When You Misidentify Your Comfort Zone